The Art Of Being Immediate And Assertive

During training we were given a book called the Cross-Cultural Reader. It is a collection of stories and explanations of things that we might have experienced during our training and service that we might not understand because of the difference in our cultures. It is designed to help us prepare and deal with new situations. Telling you that you will be expected to take your shoes off at the door of every home you enter to reminding you never to hand something across a threshold or whistle indoors. The stories were mostly written by other volunteers and usually anecdotes of how they learned these rules the hard way. They were looking for some new contributions and this got me thinking about my own cross-cultural challenges. I don't know that this is the kind of submission they were looking for, but I figured I would share (or reshare) some of these defining moments of my service.

I had solicited a lot of advice about how to “survive” my Peace Corps service in Ukraine. I will be leaving Ukraine in the next few weeks and have my share of advice to give to anyone who will listen to it. One of the most useful pieces I got was during our arrival retreat. Our first 48 hours in country brought on a flood of information, part of which came from currently serving volunteers. This was before we had even met our host families for the first time. “If there is a problem, address it immediately and be assertive” he said.  
Over the past two years I have heard so many stories from volunteers who found themselves in positions where they ate or did something they didn’t want because they couldn’t say no (“I fed some of my food to the family dog because my host mom expected me to eat everything she put on the table for breakfast”) or just to prevent an incident (“my host mom thought my winter jacket wasn’t warm enough and I wound up buying this cumbersome and expensive coat because I didn’t want to hear about it every day”). These two real, by the way, examples are something that I couldn’t understand. I would ask, “Why didn’t you just stand up and say “no, I don’t need all that food””? Politely, but firmly…immediately and assertively? These volunteers handled things how they saw best, but I do things a little differently. Here are four of my own examples of dealing with issues immediately and assertively to my satisfaction.
#1a- As most volunteers experience, my host mom tried to feed me a tremendous amount of food. My first breakfast looked more like an eight course meal than the bowl of cereal I was used to. There was no way I could, or even wanted to eat it all. First, I acted as if these were serving plates and she had just forgotten to give me my eating plate. I knew they weren’t but since we were still expressing ourselves through charades, there seemed little harm. I got my small plate and put a little of everything on it. After breakfast I took some of the bread and meat and made a sandwich to take to class with me…and then helped mom put the rest of the food away in the fridge. I told her that I wanted a small bowl of oatmeal every weekday and that I would not be eating the huge breakfasts. I offered to eat blinchiki or eggs on the weekends. After two days of laying food ground rules, as long as I told her how tasty the food was, she didn’t seem to worry about how much I ate.
#1b- In some respects moving into a host family situation did feel a little like going back to live in my parent’s home after being on my own for so long. When I was living with my host mom, she once showed concern for my choice of clothes in terms of warmth. I pulled out my best Russian to explain that I was an (X) year old man who had lived on his own for (Y#) years in America. If I walked outside and I got cold I would either come back inside for my coat, or take a warmer coat tomorrow. On the one hand I thought it was sweet that she was concerned, but on the other hand if I did not explain immediately and assertively that I had everything under control, there is no doubt that I too would be telling you how I bought a “cumbersome and expensive coat because I didn’t want to hear about it every day”.
#2- We all get offered alcohol. And when someone offers me alcohol I usually accept. But, I also know my limits. We had learned about some Ukrainian hosts who need to be told firmly and repeatedly “no” before understanding that you were serious the first time. You know what I do? If the drinks are being served in a shot glass, after I have had my fill, I turn the glass upside down on the table (technically on a napkin on the table). To date, not one shot glass has been refilled after this move. And if I am being served in a bigger glass that would be considered rude to turn over (like a wine glass or tumbler), I ball up my napkin and put it in the glass. This may not be the picture of refinement, but neither am I when I get served more than I ask for.
#3- I have heard a lot of volunteers talk about comments they get from coworkers or even friends about their appearance or weight and I will admit that it has happened to me too. I go to the sauna every week. The fully naked sauna. I am easily the youngest guy in the group and as someone who has struggled with weight and poor self-image issues all my life, just going to the sauna the first time and being naked in front of others was an incredible breakthrough for me. As the months went on and I got to know the group a little better, there was one gentleman who would point out my weight issues in front of the other guys. I didn’t understand all the words, but I knew what he was saying. I let it roll off, assuming it was a onetime thing. However, he started to make comments regularly and after the third time I made the decision to put an end to it. I just needed to wait for the fourth time- which I knew was forthcoming. Sure enough two weeks later we were in the room with a few other men and he pointed out my weight again. But this time I looked him straight in the eye and asked him in front of everyone if he thought this was news to me. “Do you think I do not own a mirror?” I asked as the smile cleared from his face. “Listen”, I said, “I have been fat my entire life and I certainly don’t need you to tell me. If you have a problem, say it right now.” ”Do you have a problem?” He was silent. “I repeat, is there a problem?” He made a quick glance to the others who didn’t seem to have much to say, but also weren’t laughing. I think they were all taken a little aback- especially him. He shook his head, and quietly said “No. No problem.” We walked in and had a sauna and have never had to revisit the issue. That was more than a year and a half ago.
When you get invited into someone else’s culture you need to pick your battles wisely. There’s a fine line between addressing an issue “immediately and assertively” and acting like a jerk. You also have to ask yourself what happens if this situation continues. In my case, I feel I would have opened myself up to more ridicule. I might drink to excess and spoil the host/guest relationship. Or I would go out every day complaining about food or how my clothes were too warm. But, because I was “immediate and assertive” I can write this advice to do the same instead of writing a story about the time I fed the dog my breakfast or bought a “cumbersome and expensive coat”.