High Temperatures? Yes. Self-flagellation? Of Course. Pants? No Freakin’ Way!

There are times in life when you know something is going to be difficult, but have to do it, hopefully coming out on the other side better for it. Sometimes those experiences are as bad as you thought they would be, and sometimes they turn out not to be as bad as you had built it up in your mind. This weekend I had one of those experiences.
Since I started working at the library, I have seen my new friend Oleg every day. He is the only other man working at the library and his maintenance office is next to ours. Frequently, he tells me about going to the sauna on Saturday’s and continually invites me. Now, I have never been to a sauna (save in someone’s basement one time), but never a real sauna. I know there’s something with steam and I have heard something about self-flagellation with branches of leaves, but beyond that it’s a bit of a mystery to me. Anyone who has heard me tell the story of my public bathing experience in Reykjavik, Iceland knows that I have some wicked public nudity anxiety (not other people’s, just mine). Each time I hear Oleg say [“me. you. su-bota. [Saturday] sa-ow-na!”] I get a little tremble in the pit of my stomach fearing for the day that I will be put in a position where I cannot avoid it any longer and have to accept the invitation. Well, I was able to hold that off for 2 whole weeks. Lenara thinks the worst of what goes on at the sauna and ratified my of my fears (as well as planting some new ones) of alcohol guzzling nakedness with the possibility of being left to figure out how I will get home without getting into the drunk’s car. But she leaves me on my own to accept or decline the invitation. On Friday Oleg came to my office and asked for my phone number and said he would call on Saturday to take me to the sauna if I was around.

After a busy morning, I sat at home on Saturday around 2pm hoping that he would not call, but resigning to answer the phone if he did. Sure enough, around 2:30 he called and I really had no reason to say “no”, other than fear of the unknown. So, 15 minutes later Oleg showed at my apartment and showed me all of the things I would need for our excursion. Towel, sandals, and toiletries. I packed my backpack and we were off. I swear to you as we walked on the street, as Oleg pushed his 10-speed bike with the back sprocket making its unmistakable ratcheting sound, I briefly thought to myself about the phrase “dead man walking” and how the sound reminded me of a ticking clock. The thought didn’t last long, but I really did think about that. First we stopped at the store. They sell liquor in the grocery stores here and when you walk in the groceries and beer are on the right and vodka and other liquor are on the left. We walked in and turned to the left. This wasn’t good! Was Lenara right? Were we buying vodka? We walked up to the counter and waited for the clerk to come over. Then, in a completely blindsiding move, Oleg orders…water. Just water. From the cooler next to the shelves of vodka. 2 liters for each of us. Then we walked to a place where he could leave his bike. As we walked, I was trying to ask some questions - “Will there be women there?” [No!] “How much will it cost” (trying to determine if this was public or in some guys basement)?” [20 UAH]. Then on to the spot where we would meet his friend Yuri with the car to drive us to the sauna.

Most people seem to get a kick out of the novelty of meeting me for the first time. So when I got into Yuri’s car the conversation went something like this [in Russian]:

Me:  “hello”

Yuri: “hey. Blah blah blah.”

Me:  “my Russian is very bad, so I don’t understand your question”

Yuri: “Oleg, what’s up with your friend?”

Oleg: “He’s the American I told you about, he doesn’t understand most of what you say.”

Them: “Really? (smiling and looking in the rearview mirror)Blah blah blah?”

Me:  “Really, I don’t understand. I only speak a little Russian. I am from America and I work with Oleg at the library.”

Yuri: “Oleg, you’re right, he doesn’t understand me. ha ha ha.”

Me: [looks out the back passenger side window in silence]

At this point I figured I should just try to clear my mind and hope for the best. The drive was only about 5 minutes and I expect Oleg would have just rode his bike if not for me. We arrived at a non-descript building that looked like a house with a really tall fence on the edge of a field. As we walked in through the front door, Oleg stopped me and we prepared for our afternoon at the sauna. First, naked. Damn! I had a feeling this would happen at some point, I just didn’t expect it would be standing in the foyer of this house! Again, my only sauna experience was in someone’s basement where we all had swimsuits on. Of course I was the only self-conscious one. Oleg went on to give me a tour of the building. It may have been a house in its previous life, but now this is a sauna that is basically rented out in four hour blocks to groups of people. As Oleg finished giving me the tour he showed me where I needed to shower and where to get my sauna hat which is a fashion nightmare of a cap that is made out of felt and needs to be worn by everyone in the sauna room. Then we went in for our first five minute steam. Afterwards, you rinse off at the shower and then walk outside…still naked, but shielded by the fence. Then, when you are refreshed you go inside and start drinking your water. As we sat around the big table, naked, other people arrived. They shook my hand and were certainly welcoming of me into their club. And that was it. You drink your water, discuss current events or politics, and then when you are ready, you do it all again. Back to the steam, shower, outside, sit and drink water, repeat. That’s it. At some point, closer to the end of your sauna trip, the guys start preparing their branches. These are a neatly wrapped bundle of small branches with broad leaves that they soak in cold water to make them soft. Then you take the bunch into the sauna room and begin hitting yourself with them. When you are done with your front (or the areas you can easily reach), one of the other guys hits your back as you lie face down on the bench. There was a thermometer inside where temperature hovers around 86 degrees Celsius (186 F) and at times they will pour bottles of water on the hot stones causing a spike in air temperature inside the room. After one of the blasts of water, I actually needed to move to a lower bench as it was just too hot for me. But Oleg kept checking on me to make sure I was OK. After a couple of times I felt myself becoming less self-conscious, but getting to that point was a real challenge for me. I am 40 years old now and should be well over this at this point in my life, but I am not. It makes me nauseatingly uncomfortable to be naked in front of other people, but after an hour or so, as the others arrived and welcomed me into their club, I was more happy with my inclusion than I was uncomfortable with my body image. I was slowly becoming more relaxed. In total 12 other guys came and besides one 27 year old guy, everyone else was in their 50’s-80’s. There was no alcohol. No debauchery. Nothing that overcoming fear of the unknown couldn’t cure. Yeah, I was still naked in front of a bunch of guys, but once I let my guard down, I had a really good time. I was exhausted from the sauna which started at 3pm and goes until 7pm. The group has a standing appointment every Saturday for these 4 hours and have been doing it for years. In retrospect, it was kind of cool to be included into a group of friends that get together every week. I am not over my anxiety, but this group made it easier for me to function. The next time Oleg says “me. you. su-bota. [Saturday] sa-ow-na!”, I will say…”Yeah, I can do that”.  

Oleg. This man has seen me naked.