I have been a volunteer for a bit over a year now and I have had some personal epiphanies that are making me examine what exactly I am doing here. This is NOT a sympathy blog- in that I am not looking people to comment about how important the job I am doing is or looking for encouragement to "stick it out". I have no intention of leaving before my service ends next spring. And I know what kind of a job I am doing (agreed it is nice to hear the support once in awhile) but this is more of a reflection on my feelings at this moment.
During our training we were prepared to understand that Ukraine would be a challenge. Yeah, the country looks a lot more like America and Western Europe, no doubt, than the jungles of South America or Africa where we could just have easily been sent to serve. They told us not to be fooled by the way things look and to not assume that everything/anything is what you expect. Since the collapse of the Soviet Union, Ukraine has been in a constant struggle between the people who want things to go "back the way they were" towards Russian Federation mentality vs. the people who want to be "more like Europe". Well, it didn't take long for any of us, including me, to see this struggle. It is mostly an age thing with the older people wanting the old ways and the young, many of whom were too young or not yet born in 1991 wanting the progressive path. There is also a geographic split with the part of the country nearest to Poland and Europe wanting progress, while the part in the east and south wanting reversion.
It is much more likely for a Peace Corps Volunteer to work in a school or nongovernmental organization than it is to work in a strictly governmental organization (I know schools are government regulated, but I don't think of them as government organizations). Working at a library, which is very much a governmental organization comes with its own set of challenges. One being governmental bureaucracy to the hilt. The number of "reports" for example that need to be completed regarding the work that is done here is staggering. There are weekly reports. There are reports about what the plans are. There are monthly reports. There are reports about what projects are being done. There are quarterly reports. There are reports about how the projects went. There are semi-annual reports. There are reports about the reports that are generated. Well, this week was one of these report due dates. The report was due on Wednesday, and such is S.O.P. around here, the report was started on Tuesday. Everyone, except me, I mean I think even the cleaning lady included, was summoned to the director's office on Tuesday at 8:30 where they were tasked with running around with their heads cut off to get the report done by the deadline 24 hours later. This is where I stand back knowing that I have nothing to contribute. Or do I?
Once the novelty of my daily presence had worn off, that honeymoon was over. I had long suspected that most of the people I work with have either no idea and/or no interest in what I am doing here. I think I am seen as the guy that no one understands when he speaks- the way some of my old coworkers would shutter when they were forced to speak with the ESL employees. At first, I don't think this treatment bothered me much. I would just say "fine. there are plenty of other people here for me to work with." Well, the realization has hit me that there are no other people who want to work with me here (meaning at the library). This resulted in an awkward moment on the day of the report when I was asked for some photos. I have a computer file with every photo I have taken since arriving in this country. It is the method of the people at the library who need these, or any photos, to use what they need for their current report, and then either erase the file or forget where the file is. Knowing full well that I would have all of my photos well organized, they came to me. I asked what they needed and was told "photos of your library projects...the veteran project and the water project." "What for?", I inquired. I was told that there was part of the report that talked about "the volunteer's work" and they needed photos to go along with it. Two things struck me. One: the water project was me working with the Department of Education, not the library. And two, it has been 4 months since we worked for one week on the veteran project. Don't think I haven't tried. In fact, I have been the only person at the library who has done anything on the project since May. I have chalked it up for now, as a minor failure, or at least needing to restructure, because I can't get anyone to work with me on it. I had this dream that I would present this project of interviewing veterans, everyone would say "that sounds great, what can we do?", then delegation would necessetate the formation of a "find veterans" team, an "interview veterans" team, and a "work with the files" team to edit and catalog the files. Dream not realized. Although I continually get positive feedback on the idea. That is pretty much where it ends. At least I expected that once I started hitting some roadblocks, someone, anyone I worked with might say "hey Sim, let me show you how you can clear this hurdle." That said, I asked Lenara if she thought it was reasonable for the library to hold the veteran project up as an example of what I do in this community. She did not answer and continued to search for the maybe erased, maybe not erased photos from reports of yore. She eventually found them without my help, but at least I had made my feelings known. I thought, my involvement in the weekly English Club would have been a more reasonable addition to their report than taking credit for something they have, up to now, shown zero consideration for.
At a seminar recently for all of the district librarians, one young lady (one of the librarians, Nadya) took the floor and said "does everyone know that Sim has been going to the beach this summer? Not to swim, but to clean the beach!" A couple of librarians smiled and politely nodded at the news. Then one woman asked "why?" Yep, "why" is he cleaning the beach?! I wanted to stand up and say "because your beach looks like shit and the community members who use the beach are slobs who can't even be bothered to use the garbage dumpsters that are provided. Why the fuck do you THINK I clean your beach?!" Nadya (who has helped me, by the way) said "because he wants to" which, in retrospect, was probably a better response. Today, I have hung a poster in the bathroom at work inviting everyone from the library to help me clean the beach on Sunday. I fully expect zero people to show. Full report next week.
My poster has been hanging for 4 hours. One person (Nadya) came by my office to say that her bike has been fixed and she plans to meet me on Sunday. One other person asked me if I thought the bathroom was the best place for the poster. I said I did because it was the one place that most staff will see today where I wouldn't have to make multiple copies of the announcement- i.e. one for each department. I asked if there was a better place and she said she thought out in the open for everyone, not just the staff to see, would have been better. I explained that the invite was specifically for the staff to come and invite anyone they wanted to bring. I feel that if I hung the poster in the library window, all the staff would say "aah, everyone else will go, so we don't need to". I went further to say that this was a sort of test to see how supportive of my projects the library staff is. I would hope that the people who work with me everyday would give me support. I expect they won't, but will certainly report fairly...and positively on those who do.
I probably told you before that the director who requested a volunteer no longer works at the library and the current administration has no idea what to do with me. That is why my presence here is being seen more as an upsetting of the status quo than an opportunity to show off things that hadn't been considered before now. The directors want me to look for grants for the library, whereas my response is "you find the grant you want and I will help you write it" (most need to be written in English). This would be a classic example of helping someone help themselves. Whereas that appears to be too much effort on their part. Next, I put together a list of 20 community sustainable fundraising ideas. Everything from how to run a 50/50 raffle to collecting "kopeeks from heaven" (like pennies only worth less) at school and letting the sudents decide where the money should go. At first I proposed that I could give this presentation to the staff of the library. It would be perfect. The director could be interested in things like raffles and auctions, the craft group could get in on donating items for a Christmas or bake sale, and my department could give a lesson on philanthropy at the school and get some fun competitions going. The first reaction to my proposed idea was "we can't do those things since we don't have anywhere to keep the money where it won't get stolen". Everytime I gave an off-the-top-of-the-head solution, it was countered with another pessimistic potential issue. And this is the response to bringing money IN! I would have thought I'd have gotten more support in showing them how to buy new books and computers. I thought wrong.
El calls me twice a week. Once during her lunch break on Wednesday and once on Sunday. Sunday's are good because we have so much time that we can both say everything before mutually agreeing to hang up. Wednesday can be more of a challenge for us. She usually has an hour maximum for lunch- less if she has to heat her lunch or make a phone call or some other business related task. The problem is that when either one of us has a problem- or is not feeling 100%, the other just becomes a listener, limiting their participation to a series "uh huh"'s and "ooh, I see"'s. Then, before we know it, she has to go. At least it gives us a starting point on Sunday to update or continue the rant. Unfortunately for her, I think El is the listener more than I am. I don't know if she has less problems, smaller problems, or just has other people to vent to when she has a bad day at work, but many of our Sunday calls start with her asking "so, what happened with that situation you told me about Wednesday..." The thing is that when I complain, I am also searching for a solution to the problem. Which, I think I may have found. I said that the director who requested a volunteer no longer works here. Because now she works at the Department of Education. Maybe, if I go to her and ask if she has any need for a volunteer, she might have some ideas or welcome the invitation. If she doesn't, well it's not like I can work much less with her department than I do now! So, it can't hurt to ask, right? I already have an HIV/AIDS presentation I can give as well as a presentation on the importance of clean water. She must have some ideas of what could be helpful too. After all, I am a "community developer" and if I can't develop in the library, maybe I can develop in the Deptartment of Education.
I made a sad realization this week. It is that have a very difficult time working with my counterpart. That doesn't mean that I do not like her as a person and wouldn't do anything she needs me to do, but professionally, we are not as compatible as I once thought or hoped. Many years ago I resigned from a management position in my family's business because of the strain it was putting on the relationship between those and the ones I love the most. I never second guessed that decision and I do believe that any damage has been repaired through the combination of space and time. That said, I love Lenara like a sister. I look forward to a lifetime of friendship between her and my family. So, make no mistake, this is NOT one of those volunteer/counterpart relationships that does not work because the personalities don't mesh. The way I see it, it is her having too much of her own work to do for the library coupled with the rest of the organization having no interest in working with me that creates the tension. Other volunteers get assigned to organizations and are then forbidden by their directors from working with outside groups (in an "it's our volunteer, get your own" kind of way). At least I don't have that situation to contend with. But, the fact remains that every other office responsibility seems to take priority over my projects. I can ask for her time when it becomes available, only to discover that catching up on social networking and playing video games has taken a front seat to my wanting to call a veteran or discuss an upcoming scheduling issue. I know what she does on her computer is none of my business, so I never call her out on it. All I ask is if there will be time for me today. Sometimes the answer is "yes, later" while other times it is "not today". At this point I think that I need to work my courage up to meet with the Department of Education to relieve Lenara of the burden that is my project and try to find someone else to work on a project with. I have some great ideas just looking for an interested party to join me in running with the ball. I will never have another counterpart, just like I will never have another father, but in order to keep all sanity and urges of homicide to a minimum, maybe a little change could be good.
The office was a bit warm this afternoon, even though our nights and days have been feeling a little more temperate this past week or two. As such, Lenara suggested we go out for ice cream. We walked to a shop near the library for the snack and the conversation to and from was smart and funny and every reason that I enjoy spending time with her away from work. She said she was impressed that I had taken up reading in the absence of a computer. Something I guess she should be obliged to say being a librarian and all. I asked why she though it was good for me. "Do you think I am smarter today because I read a couple of books?" She said "no", but that reading was an important tool in learning a language. She said it helps with writing too. I told her that I hadn't looked at it that way. She then offered, "but I don't understand how you did it. You write so well- and I always thought only a reader could be a good writer". Now, I don't think of myself as a great writer or anything, although I always thought I wrote better than I read. The compliment made me smile. This banter in stark contrast to the tension that can exist in the office sometimes. I wonder if she senses the difference.
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